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My Two Cents: Minority Outreach - Muslims, Sharks & Female Condom Usuers

Posted by Joel Borelli on June 7, 2015 at 8:15 PM

My Two Cents: Minority outreach - Muslims, sharks, and female condom users - Original publication date August 2, 2010 By A Bostonian

I don’t think the word “outreach” means what they think it means. Here’s what I mean. The Dove World Outreach Center, a non-demon-irrational – er, I mean non-denominational – church in Gainesville, Florida is promoting its plans to host a national “Burn a Quran Day”, you guessed it, on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks. While it is becoming more and more fashionable to thrash the Muslims in American culture nowadays, the Islamiphobia has been perpetuated largely by the crackpot fringe elements and not mainstream society. The DWOC has firmly settled in the crackpot element in my opinion. They believe that “Islam is of the devil” and question “Have you ever seen a happy Muslim?” Sounds like someone’s a little off their rocker here, right? Of course we’ve seen happy Muslims. Don’t you remember them dancing in the streets on 9/11/01? All kidding aside, this is the kind of behavior that the Islamic extremists display towards Christianity. Right before they strap a bomb on their back and march into a public place and blow them, and their innocent peaceful oppositionists, into little tiny pieces. The DWOC also has shirts and coffee mugs for sale touting their anti-Islam messages. Now I’m no expert, but didn’t Jesus toss the merchants and moneylenders out of the temple? I think he also said something about he who is without sin cast the first stone. I’m not sure if he ever burned a book in protest of anything, which frankly seems cowardly to me. At least try and find some innocent Muslims and blow them up you morons!

Did you hear about the 13-year-old boy who was chained to the kitchen table by his parents? Sacramento police found him wandering the neighborhood in search of bolt cutters, smart kid. One neighbor refused to help, believing him an escaped prisoner. Duh! No word why she didn’t subsequently call the police to report AN ESCAPED PRISONER!!! Apparently the parents, Vang and Vue, wanted to go out gambling (insert tacky Asian gambling joke here folks!) for the evening and chaining their son must have been the most cost effective solution to hiring a baby sitter. They must be very bad gamblers. Adding injury to insult, the boy says his father beat him after he chained him up. Well double duh! While I don’t condone what’s happened to you kid, here’s a free tip. If you piss off someone – anyone! – enough that they lock you up in chains, chances are they’re going to kick your ass too!

Talk about your big balls in Bell! The Mayor, Police Chief and most of the Bell City Council have recently come under fire for paying themselves exorbitant salaries. I’m not sure exorbitant properly describes the $800,000 salary the mayor of a 40,000 resident city was being paid. His offence was the worst, though I think everyone involved is going down after the state concludes its investigation. The police chief was next in line with a six figure salary and most of the council rounding out in the $80-$90k range. There was one council member who was only earning $8,000 a year, Lorenzo Velez, bless his honest heart. No word yet as to why he was so underpaid, but I suspect he was the newest member of the council and not yet eligible for the annual pay grab. Or he was just plain stupid. What really impressed me with the whole affair is that they were able to balance the budget for so many years. Crooked politicians that actually accomplish something are rare. Crooked is probably an unfair assumption. They may be more bent than crooked. I’m sure they followed the rules, legally – if only technically – voting themselves’ a salary increase. If they had done this overtly and tried to sell the increase as part of a performance package no one would be calling for their heads. I’ve always thought that the reason we get such lousy results from current politicians is that we don’t pay them worth a damn compared to what someone with the qualifications we need can earn in the private sector. $800k is still too much for the mayor of a small community, but if it gets results, shouldn’t more municipalities examine the salaries of performing – and under-performing – politicians? Frankly, if we kept those performing and fired the under-performers many communities would be left leaderless. I can’t wait though, to see what the state investigation turns up in California.

I truly cannot fathom some environmentalists. Matt Rand, director of the Pew Environment Group’s Global Shark Conservation Campaign recently wrote an article entreating the world “not sit by while a species that survived the extinction of the dinosaurs is being pushed into oblivion by the demand for an exotic bowl of (shark fin) soup.” Does anyone really care? And if the dinosaurs were still alive today, my guess is that Mr. Rand and his Odiferous Environment Group would be campaigning to turn most of Yellowstone into a protected habitat for the T-Rex. They’re such majestic creatures after all! But back to the shark, the modern-day underwater dinosaur that hunts and kills with the same precision as a T-Rex. The Pacific island nation of Palau is jumping on board the save the shark cause, officially designating an area of the Pacific Ocean about the size of Texas as the first national shark sanctuary. Word is sharks are flocking to the region in schools, and representatives from the Shark League of the Pacific, an undersea group devoted to improving mammal relations has expressed their deepest appreciation. Morons! Lost in all the hoopla, however, is how a flyspeck island nation can authorize such a wide swath of ocean for any purpose, or how they plan on overseeing the effort of policing said swath.  This is the year to get something like this done though, with international interest at an all time high, due in large part to the United Nations declaring this the International Year of Biodiversity – true story! The shark huggers have only 5 months left however, as I’m pushing hard to get the U.N. to designate 2011 as the official International Year of Food Chain Supremacy. Would someone please pass me the soup!

In 1993, the FDA approved the first female condom. That’s right, 1993, almost 20 years ago. If you polled the men and women ages 20 – 40 I don’t think you’d get many who have used the female condom. In fact, I would bet that until recently most people were unaware that there even was a female condom. Well, the FDA has recently approved the female condom version 2.0, so in the interest of sharing let’s hear what people are saying about it, and of course my two cents: “Noisy.” Some people like it loud, right? “Unwieldy, and like a plastic bag.” Nobody likes unwieldy in these situations, and besides, are we trying to take out the trash? “It’s too convoluted.” Most people don’t know what convoluted even means. “This could take minutes, and women have to get into this contortionist act to put the condom on. Its not practical.” I think most men are intrigued by female contortionists, however if it takes minutes to put in, some men may find things finished before they’ve started. “It was a little strange to get it up there,” Try closing your eyes and thinking about Brad Pitt. “In terms of inserting it, it was a little bit weird doing it in front of my partner. After it was in it was OK.” Remember, think Brad Pitt BEFORE and remember to close your eyes. In most cases, after couldn’t hurt either. “They move around more.” I’m not quite sure what to think? And lastly, “What we say is it gives people options and empowers women to initiate a method if he doesn’t use a male condom. It empowers her to take care of herself.” How about just saying no? I guarantee if you ladies gave the guys an ultimatum you’ll get them reaching for one in a nanosecond. I bet most will have one handy too!

And that is my two cents!  Not that you asked for it.

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