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My Two Cents: The 3 P's: Politics, Joe Pa-thetic, and (Gay) Penguins, by Joel Borelli

Posted by Joel Borelli on June 8, 2015 at 11:05 AM

My Two Cents: The 3 P’s: Politics, Joe Pa-thetic, and (Gay)Penguins, original publication date November 11, 2010, By Auguste Dupin

Last things first, I was intrigued when cruising the news today stumbling across what might be the first documented case of animal homosexuality. Okay, maybe not the first case. I had a dog once that did things to my neighbor’s terrier that would make a prostitute blush, but what I’m referring to is not your average household pet humping stuffed animals gay. I’m talking about penguins here! Two male African penguins to be exact. Buddy and Pedro are their names (gosh they even sound gay), and Toronto Zoo employees say that they are so close they may as well be gay. Not exactly a ringing endorsement from zoo officials, but I think the zoo may be downplaying their gayness. Here me out. Buddy and Pedro have hit the news recently because these very same zoo officials are talking about separating the two so that they can mate. Apparently African Penguins are rare and the species needs every available penguin to participate in propagating activities. Now call me crazy, but if they are gay, would they really mate with a female penguin? Zoo officials think so, and have promised to reunite them after consummating their procreation requirements. Or perhaps this is just the zoo’s way of whitewashing their own anti-gay animal agenda? Or maybe they’re forcing the penguins straight? And just in case this wasn’t silly enough, if you were wondering who wears the pants in the relationship, well they both do. Tuxedos actually.

In other news, the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s (IUCN) Red List of Threatened Species Report has inadvertently listed the subspecies of African Black Rhino as officially extinct. They say it was last seen in Africa in 2006, but you can see it yourself on national television tonight on CBS in Spartanburg, South Carolina, along with a few other candidates on the endangered list. Contrary to popular belief Herman Cain is not extinct, however, he isn’t doing himself any favors. If he can’t seem to wrap his mind around the concept of treating women with respect, at least he could do a little homework. While I’m not sure how many Americans are familiar with the term “neoconservative”, I am pretty sure most Americans are aware that China has nuclear weapons, so I was really surprised to find that Cain was unaware of such a widely known fact. Of course The Rhino vows to surround himself with competent advisors once he gains the Ova-Ova-Oval-tine Off-Off-Orifice, but one must wonder why he hasn’t done it yet? Intriguing though is his own idea for electrifying Mexican/American border fences to cause pain to keep the Mexicans out of America. Which leads one to ask the obvious question: Do electric fences work on African Black Rhinos?

Also appearing on the endangered list is any former Governor of Texas with an IQ beyond the 9th grade level. It’s been a while since Texas has elected one. Stay tuned tonight for CBS & the GOP’s endangered species extravaganza, where with any luck, Texas Governor Rick Perry will remember which pant leg to put on first, which hand is for shaking and which is for nose-picking, and which way to look before crossing a one-way street. Texas, you must be so proud, though in truth you did manage to get the younger Bush into the, uh, um, oops, what do you call that shape the office is in again? Darn it, I really stepped in it now!

Two animals that should feast on the aforementioned missteps, but probably won’t, are Newt Gingrich (Irascibilious Republic-Anus) and Mitt Romney (Bluebloodius Americ-Anus). Unfortunately, these two species are widely known for providing more lip service than community service and tend to die a horrible death of drowning in quicksand of their own making.

This leaves us with former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, perhaps the true endangered species on display in the national security and foreign policy parade tonight – A candidate with practical foreign policy experience! Huntsman’s resume includes stints as Ambassador to China, Ambassador to Singapore, and Deputy Trade Representative. And since China will be taking over the U.S. soon enough, it will help to have a President who speaks fluent Mandarin. We need someone we can trust interpreting the new China/U.S. Constitution, right?

So as sad as all this is, what I find truly pathetic is the rioting college students at Penn State. It begs the serious question, what are they teaching kids there? I’ve heard all the silly excuses for keeping Joe Pa-thetic and they are just that, silly and excuses. That anyone can for a moment defend Joe Pa-thetic’s position through what might be the ugliest sex-scandal to EVER hit a college campus, saddens me.

While the facts are still coming to light, we can be sure that Joe Pa-thetic was informed of Jerry Sandusky’s sordid behavior with a minor on at least two occasions. The first was in 1998 when an investigation into Sandusky’s activities stalled, likely because the only witness was the underage victim. Regardless, the university knew about the investigation, and while there is no evidence that Joe Pa-thetic knew about the investigation, how else do you explain the fact that Sandusky, the heir apparent to Joe Pa-thetic, would suddenly be told by Joe Pa-thetic himself that Sandusky would never be the head coach of Penn State. And what other reasons can you ascribe to Sandusky suddenly announcing his retirement in 1999, after being told he would not replace Joe Pa-thetic as Head Diddler of the Mitteny Liars? The second time this occurred was in 2002, three years later and AFTER Sandusky had retired. This time there was a witness to this heinous crime and the witness was an assistant coach who came forward. He described to Joe Pa-thetic the incident in the shower as anal intercourse with a minor.

So what did Joe Pathetic do? He told Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley and promptly forgot all about it. Legally speaking Joe Pa-thetic met his contractual obligation as a Penn State employee, but this is the weakest argument of them all for exonerating the coach. Sandusky was out of his program for three years, so if you give Joe Pa-thetic the benefit of ignorance in 1998, why ignore something like this in 2002? The answer is simple. He knew the truth in 1998 and he knew again the truth in 2002. The difference in 2002 is that he knew he covered it up in 1998. To do the right thing in 2002 would be to admit he did the wrong thing in 1998. Like so many lies, they beget more lies, until you get lost among them, tangled up and usually hung by them.

The why is equally disturbing; was this a truth he decided to cover up to save Penn State a black eye? Maybe a little bit. More likely he did it to save himself a black eye, for who is Joe Pa-thetic if not Penn State? For 46 years he roamed the sidelines as coach. His LIFE was dedicated to that college football program, but we shouldn’t confuse that dedication to Penn State Football with caring for the institution as a whole. His caring ended when it happened outside the lines on the field. If it didn’t happen on Saturday or on the field in practice, he didn’t care. He showed it in 1998 and again in 2002. Amazingly he showed it again just last week when he announced he would retire at the end of this football season. His reason? He knew the Board of Trustees had more important things to worry about and didn’t want them to waste any more time on him. Talk about selfish. And talk about Cowardly. At least 8 children have come forward to accuse Sandusky of abuse and all Joe Pa-thetic can think about is his 8-1 record and finishing out the season with perhaps one final bowl victory. Talk about Pa-thetic. I’m done talking about Joe Pa-thetic.

And that friends, is my two cents. 

Categories: My Two Cents

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