Joel Borelli

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My Two Cents, by Joel Borelli

Posted by Joel Borelli on June 7, 2015 at 7:35 PM

Original publication date – July 13, 2010 By: A Bostonian in online news journal The Third Report

I used to wonder, am I the only one who thinks there is something in the cool-aid of these wacky professional athletes that lead them to make so many ridiculous choices? Turns out, there is – codeine syrup. Former Oakland Raider’s quarterback and biggest 1st round draft bust JaMarcus Russell was arrested recently for possession of said syrup as part of an undercover operation. Evidently the narcotic is mixed with alcohol or a soft drink like 7-Up and enhances the effects of alcohol. This practice is apparently widespread as it even has several cute nicknames like ‘purple drank’, ‘’lean’(what this means I have no idea??), or my favorite ‘sizzurp’. Why something like this becomes fashionable is beyond me. While enhancing the effects of alcohol its ingestion risks respiratory depression which could lead to a fatal overdose, as well as, causing one to lose consciousness and experience convulsions. Makes me pine for the good-ole-days when one could just chug a $20 bottle of Jack Daniels and make an ass out of oneself.

Speaking of asses and bad decisions, word is Virginia Beach police will not file charges against Michael Vick, or anyone else for that matter, in the non-fatal shooting that occurred at his public birthday party. Not because they don’t know who did it. They just can’t get witnesses or the victim to cooperate. Pass me the sizzurp. In my opinion they’re getting closer. A recent study appearing in the journal ‘Pediatrics’ challenges that the ‘Body Mass Index’ or BMI test is flawed, limited, and inaccurate. They’ve come up with a simpler solution: Neck Circumference. Seems the geniuses have made a connection between fat necks and fat bodies. Well duh. I’ve got an even simpler solution. How about a mirror? Chances are if you look fat you are fat. Could save you a lot of time and trouble fretting over how to decipher age, height and weight charts.

In a related article, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – Masters of the Obvious – released a study confirming that overweight children are at a higher risk of obesity related conditions. Their advice? Eat more fruits and veggies. Classic. I say less is more. How about steering clear of those fast-food drive-through super size meals, and laying off the Ho-Hos?

Those randy senior citizens! In a report in the Annals of Internal Medicine, the risk of contracting a STD is twice as high for those taking Erectile Dysfunction medication like Viagra than those not. Is this really a surprise? Seems like a classic cause and effect situation to me. The real kicker is that the average age of those studied was 60. The study blames the lack of condom usage to the fact that the risk of pregnancy is no longer a concern. Leading the STD list is HIV, followed by Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea. Time to sit mom and/or dad down and have a little talk.

Ah, the Lindsay Lohan saga drags on! Her recent court appearance resulted in a jail sentence for the pop tart and that was without the judge noticing the FU sign painted on her middle finger. Word is they’ll tack on some additional time for contempt of court. It’s startling to me how completely clueless Lindsay is when it comes to comporting herself in public. Sources say she’s terrified of going to jail, even though the ‘jail’ is nothing more than a country club as far as these things go. What she fears is unknown, as she will be allowed to take several prescription drugs while incarcerated. Perhaps it’s the smoking ban. Without cigarettes, what will she trade for protection or other jailhouse perks? I suppose Lindsay’s behavior should come as no surprise given the example set by her parents. Her mother was recently harassed at a Carvel Ice Cream store for trying to use the Black Card, which entitles the owner to free ice cream for life, given to daughter Lindsay as part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary promotion. Carvel revoked the card. So how much ice cream must the greedy mom been getting? Though her dad Michael Lohan who won’t be up for father of the year any time soon, he did have some advice for Lindsay. ‘She should be working on rectifying the situation and getting better.’ Duh. He went on to say it’s going to be a ‘horrible experience’ being locked up for 23 hours a day. He should know. He spent three years in the clink.

The ‘Barefoot Bandit’ has finally been captured. On the run for nearly 2 years, his chase has captured headlines and Facebook Fans across the country for his daring exploits in avoiding capture. While I don’t condone his actions, this kid has some serious intestinal fortitude. To avoid capture he has stolen multiple automobiles, planes, and most recently boats. The only thing he didn’t hijack is a train. I’m not sure I’d climb into the cockpit of a stolen plane and fly it across the country, crash land it, then steal another plane, fly it to the Bahamas and crash land again, this time in the water. But that was what led to his ultimate demise. Several stolen boats later he was finally captured. Alas, he ran aground in unfamiliar waters and police shot out his motor before he could free himself. After a brief standoff where he threatened to shoot himself he gave up. No word on the condition of his bare feet after all that running, but authorities are confident he’ll be provided medical treatment if necessary and a new pair of prison issue sneakers. My advice to prison officials? Keep track of the laundry truck’s keys.

How about some more Redneck Games? Georgia celebrated the 14th Annual Redneck Summer Games recently and I just can’t help but smile. Among the feats performed, Toilet Seat Horseshoes, Bobbing for Pigs Feet, Mud Pit Belly Flop, and my favorite, the Armpit Serenade won for the second year in a row by 8-year-old Aubrey Mathews. Mom must be so proud.

You don’t need to be a PHD in mathematics to do this math. And apparently you shouldn’t be a PHD. Grigory Perelman solved the Poincare Conjecture and was awarded the $1 million prize from the Clay Mathematics Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He promptly turned it down. What a dummy!

What is the deal with Islam’s fixation with hair? And why do the French care? French lawmakers are trying to pass a ban on Burqas, the head cloth worn by Islamic females that covers everything but the eyes. While I suppose that hiding behind a Burqa could be a potential terrorist, however banning the Burqa is, in my opinion, not the solution. In a somewhat related article Iran unveiled (sic) its new list of approved haircuts for Islamic men. The approved? Short on the front and sides for the most part. The gelled and slicked back 80’s look also got the nod. The declined? The Prince style pompadour, the Steven Segal ponytail look, and the business in the front party in the back sentiment of the mullet. Much to the chagrin of Iranians the new styles were met with overwhelming approval from Americans everywhere. Except for the Rednecks for whom the mullet still rules!

Well that’s my two cents. Not that you asked for it.

Categories: My Two Cents

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