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My Two Cents, by Joel Borelli

Posted by Joel Borelli on June 7, 2015 at 7:50 PM

My Two Cents – Original publication date, July 20, 2010 By: A Bostonian

In an effort to make it safer for the children of America to sleep – that’s right, I said safer to sleep – our government is once again sticking its nose where it doesn’t belong. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission for Parental doofuses and other Brain Dead Morons has made all drop-side cribs illegal, whether they were ever considered hazardous or not. Sounds perfectly logical to me. Some kid gets his head stuck and dies, terrible, right? Well, turns out there were only 36 deaths over a 3-year period in all of America and most of these deaths are due to the faulty assembly of the crib. Thanks dad! So why waste time and effort legislating something like this? My feeling has always been that if dad isn’t smart enough to assemble the bicycle properly, chances are junior isn’t going to go to Harvard, and if a helmet keeps junior from killing himself as he rides a faulty bike with no brakes into an intersection and gets killed by an uninsured illegal immigrant priest with child pornography on his laptop drinking sizzurp, well you shouldn’t be procreating in that neighborhood anyway or maybe its just natural selection! Any-who, while we’re at it I think crib-front and side impact airbags should be mandatory. If you’re going to do something you should do it right!

In another bone-headed move by our government, Wesley Snipes’ recent conviction of tax evasion resulting in 36 months in jail seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Seems Snipes owes $15 million or so in back taxes and threw $5 million at the court as a gesture of good will in an attempt to avoid the jail time. They of course took the money but in their own gesture of up yours determined he must spend 3 years in jail regardless. Now why would you lock a man up with the earning potential to pay back $15 million in a matter of months? Plus you could make him do all kinds of charity work as part of his ‘probation’. Imagine the money he could raise for cancer or scoliosis, or sizzurp rehab? Now, I’d advise Snipes to go all Polanski on them, flee the country and live off his millions in a non-extradition country. And even if he does get caught, well he’ll get out of jail in a year or so with good behavior and get on that 25-year payment plan to get caught up on his back taxes. What a waste.

In what might stem from the first recorded case of Purple Drank, Packer’s Defensive Lineman Johnny Jolly has been suspended indefinitely for his 2008 arrest on possession of a controlled substance in the form of said Drank. Police actually dropped all the charges back in 2009 in order to develop effective testing methods for the codeine syrup. Once they did, they re-charged Jolly. What ever happened to you and your buddies pounding a 6-pack of beer on your way to the club? Now its codeine syrup and cool-aid, and the result is oh so different! The sizzurp must really be something if these professional athletes are willing to risk everything to get high on it. I think I’ll stick to the Captain and Coke, thank you!

Overheard around the Vatican water cooler… The ongoing debates over the sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church has produced several new rules for ‘stopping the abuse of children by priests and streamlining the Catholic Church’s procedures for dealing with it.’ Ah, if they’re going to stop the abuse, why streamline procedures for handling cases? Yes, I know its unfair to think that in an organization as large as the Catholic Church that a few bad apples aren’t bound to turn up and you must have procedures to deal with them. I’m especially pleased with the new church laws making it illegal for Priests to download child pornography as well as making the abuse of the mentally handicapped as bad as child abuse. You mean those were legal before now? And watch out all you would-be priest offenders, now the Pope can defrock you without a Vatican trial! Oooooh!

The U.S.-led United Nations Command and North Korea held rare military talks recently regarding North Korea’s alleged sinking of the South Korean warship Cheonan on 26 March. While there was no official release of meeting minutes, I imagine the conversation between Colonel-level military personnel went something like this: American Colonel: “Why did you sink the Cheonan?” N. Korean Colonel: “We no sink Cheonan, you crazy American!” AC: “We have evidence.” NKC: “You no have brain, stupid American!” AC: “We have photos, satellite images, witness statements, etc.” NKC: “We have photos of your mother! Crazy Americans, always try to blame North Korea!” AC: “An independent committee confirmed your country is responsible.” NKC: “Independent committee say America smell bad!” AC: “Where you from soldier?” NKC: “Pyongyang you stupid American! Where you from?” AC: “Texas.” NKC: “I hear only steers and queers come out of Texas, and I don’t see any horns on you.” AC: “What the?” NKC: “I got no where else to go, (sob)! America full of cry babies!” AC: “I uh,” NKC: “Walk around! Walk around sugar britches!”

Okay, so maybe the conversation didn’t go quite like that, but what must they have said to one another? I don’t know whose bright idea it was, but these talks were supposedly a precursor designed to set the tone for General-level talks, where I suspect the phrase, “I know you are, but what am I,” will be bandied back and forth. The point is, are we really going to accomplish anything with Colonel-level talks. Not that we’d get any more accomplished with the whacko dictators out there, but at least we’d be dealing with the head honcho, the top dog, the big dic-tator.

Speaking of crazy dictators, Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez recently exhumed the body of Simon Bolivar, the military mastermind responsible for liberating most of Latin America from the Spanish crown. Chavez wants to determine if he was murdered or was killed as reported by tuberculosis in 1830. I’m not really sure why it matters, but when talking about Bolivar, Chavez said, “Bolivar is alive. Let us not see him as a dead man and let us not see him as a skeleton. He is like lightning, like a sacred fire.” Craa-zy!! But if that wasn’t enough, he then announced on Twitter that he cried when he first looked upon his skeleton. Chavez a sobbing Twitterer!? I think Chavez should be checked for Syphillus and lay off the sizzurp. Word is, Bolivar’s skeleton rolled over in its grave. What is going on with the world’s despots?

Well that’s my two cents. Not that you asked for it.

Categories: My Two Cents

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