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My Two Cents, by Joel Borelli

Posted by Joel Borelli on June 7, 2015 at 8:05 PM

My Two Cents - Original publication date July 28, 2010 By: A Bostonian

There is something strange about this story. Have you heard about the Palestinian convicted of “Rape by Deception”? I’m not sure about Israeli men, but I assume they are just as prone to lying to, as the saying goes, get a little strange on the side. What else would a married man say to a single woman he just met 15 minutes earlier that would convince her to have sex with him? Frankly, I’m surprised his opening line wasn’t “How much?” Regardless, the married with two children man pleading guilty was sentenced to 18 months in prison. I thought the penalty for adultery in the Middle East was death by stoning? Or is that just in Iran? Or just for the women? It’s all very confusing. If they ever brought this law to the U.S. we’d have severe overcrowding issues in our prisons and no young men in college.

How about a little nip of the old cough syrup to quiet ‘em down? Is this the true birth of sizzurp? The practice of drugging your children to get some peace has come under fire recently as officials worry this practice is abusive. Of course it’s abusive. I don’t think anyone would challenge that. But it is effective. Hence the practice. Of course, these things don’t always work out the way mom expects. One mother interviewed said she tried a little Benadryl with her toddler to get her to sleep for a two-hour flight. Oopsie, turns out since she wasn’t sick the medicine only jacked her up, sending her flying down the isle and talking in her ‘outside voice’ the entire flight. That’s why you should stick with brandy. Much more predictable.

President Obama signed into law recently the Improper Payment Elimination Act or IPEA for short. Oh so close to a funny acronym. Not sure I can get behind this effort, but who wants to stand in its way? Up-wind, word is that the government will pay auditors financial incentives to find improper payments. Since when do we offer incentives to auditors? Isn’t that, by the very definition of the word auditor, their job, to find inaccuracies and abuses? Are they that lazy that we must now give back some of the money that was improperly doled out in the first place just to ensure they do their job? Shouldn’t that be classified as an improper payment as well? Anyway, I vote we change the name from Act to Effort. That won’t cost anything, will it?

In an accident shrouded in mystery, NFL Rookie Linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens Sergio Kindle recently suffered a severely fractured skull and swelling around the brain. His injury is so bad they anticipate him missing all of training camp and have some wondering when he’ll ever play again. According to the story he attended a function and then went to a friend’s house and at some point in the middle of the night got up and fell down two flights of stairs. Tragic? Gosh, I want to believe the poor kid woke up in the middle of the night and stumbled through a strange house in the dark and fell down the stairs. But really, I’m supposed to believe he fell down two flights of stairs? Without, ahem, help? There are really only two scenarios that fit in my opinion. First, he got pushed, which means he got in a fight, never a good start for a rookie and worth trying to hide. Second, he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol or both – a sizzurp stumble? – and equally embarrassing and worth the effort to hide. How else can you explain a fall down two flights of stairs? Try to picture two flights of stairs for a moment. Maybe fifteen to twenty steps for one flight, and probably a turning landing, then fifteen or twenty steps for the second flight. So picture now a grown man, a professional athlete, falling down a flight of stairs hitting the landing and turning and continuing his fall down the second flight. Hard to imagine. Now let’s say he actually fell down two consecutive flights heading in the same direction. Wouldn’t each flight still be separated with a landing? Isn’t that what would make it two flights? So how much momentum would you have to have to tumble down one flight, through a landing and on down the second flight? Not the kind of momentum you would generate looking for the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Lady Gaga’s record label, Decca, is making news, signing the cloistered nuns from the Abbaye de Notre-Dame de l'Annonciation–located near Avignon, France. These nuns are quite literally cut off from the outside world, not even allowed to meet family and friends except through grilled windows. Wow. So is it any surprise that they wouldn’t let Decca’s Managing Director in to sign the contract? I give Decca credit though, trying to convince them to let him in, but the Benedictine nuns refused, forcing him to pass the contract through the grill to be signed. I wouldn’t have let a man named Dickon Stainer into a nunnery either. Or a ladies locker room, or dormitory, or any kind of school for children for that matter. It’s like a bad porno name.

This last one hit a ten on my creepy scale. Did you see the pictures of the Spaniard “Oscar” who, after accidentally blowing his original face off with a gun (aside from suicide, does anyone do this on purpose?), received the first full-face transplant in the world? Can anyone say, “Hello Clarice.” It looks like he’s wearing a human mask, which makes sense, cause that’s essentially what surgeons did, sewing on the face and lower mandible of a brain-dead donor. I wouldn’t be surprised if the new face rebels, and would you blame it? Okay, I’ll be the first to say it, “It puts the lotion in the basket, Oscar.”

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